Things you never hear people say

Things You Never Hear People Say (or Hardly Ever)

My Pekingese dog loves children. In fact, that is her favorite food.

My family thinks my cooking is divine. I had just started my crawfish gumbo in the slow cooker when I heard someone whisper, "Oh my God! He's cooking again! Let us pray."
Is it true what my brother said? "Methodists are forbidden to eat crawfish."

Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
One of those email jokes passed around. I love it!

Mike and Joey discussing their family trees.
Mike: ... and my Uncle George was a conductor.
Joey: What orchestra did he conduct?
Mike: He wasn't that kind of conductor.
Joey: Oh, he was a train conductor?
Mike: No not that kind of conductor either.
Joey: Well, what kind of conductor was he?
Mike: After he killed his wife, they put him in the electric chair.
Jim: Yeah, I know that is an old joke, but it is one of my favorites.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

At 67 I realize I should have stayed drunk more. Crawling doesn't wear your back out nearly as fast as walking upright.

It is a common misconception that the second ammendment has something to do with guns. Actually, "the right to bare arms" just gives us the right to wear short-sleeved shirts.

"It's time to get real about what happens in the bathroom. Stop all the cutesy stuff. And start talking about what you really expect from your toilet paper."
From an add for a brand of toilet paper.

SECURITY QUESTIONS

My favorite color is #F5F5DC.
My favorite music is heavy metal gospel.
My mother's maiden name is Iscariot.
My favorite movie is "The Meaning of Life" (Very inspirational).
My favorite food is Poke Salad.
My favorite actor is Pee Wee Herman.
My first car was too rusty to tell what model it was.
My favorite medicine is Simvastatin.
My favorite road sign is "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE".
My favorite dictator is Fidel Castro.
My favorite tooth is bottom right second molar.

My doctor said I needed more fiber. So I ate some wood chips. But now instead of just a little constipated, I am just totally clogged up.

Some medications may cause erectile dysfunction. A medication with this side effect is known as a "tool softener".

Cigarettes have gotten so high some people on fixed incomes are forced to choose between their medicines and their cigarettes. Now that is just a shame.

What is the past tense of the verb "to weedeat"? Does one say, "I weedeated the lawn", or does one say, "I weedate the lawn"?

I think that abortion should be legal retroactively so that when the kids are teenagers, a parent can say, "You better do what I told you or I will have you aborted!"

I don't like ranch dressing on my salad because what is on a ranch to make ranch dressing? GRASS and COWSHIT, that's what!

I am sure you have noticed that beef jerky in not refrigerated. So have you ever asked yourself the question: If even the germs won't eat this stuff, should I?

Grandma fell and turned over her bedside potty. OMG! But we are very thankful to God for giving us Boundy, the quicker picker-upper.

Never take sleeping pills and a laxative at the same time.

You don't need a Ginsu knife to slice spam.

If someone says "This Eureka vacuum cleaner really sucks", does this mean "This Eureka vacuum cleaner is really good" or does it mean "This Eureka vacuum cleaner is really bad"?

I still have a serious relationship with my ex-wife. It is what biologists call a host/parasite relationship.

Men and women dress pretty much alike these days. That is OK, I guess, except that it makes it hard to tell who the transvestites are.

It is amazing how much warmer it is now that the sun is shining on the thermometer!

WHAT MAKES A MAN A GENTLEMAN (according to Steve Martin)

A gentleman would put a woman up on a pedestal, up high enough that he can look up her dress.

WHAT MAKES A MAN A GENTLEMAN

The wife and I went out to a concert held outside at night. It was warm when we left but I wore my coat anyway. After dark the wife began complaining about being cold. So I took off my coat and said, "Here, Honey, put this on." Now I'm freezing my balls off, but at least I can listen to the concert without hearing all that bitching and moaning.

MEN COOKING

Honey, do you think I should pick the maggots out of this hamburger meat before I cook it?

We have nothing to fear but fear itself and going to the dentist, of course. (FDR, extended version J2D)

I feel as though I am living life going 30 miles per hour in the fast lane.

Why in the name of Persephone is the cAps LocK key right next to the SHIFT key? About every fourth time I try to log in I hit the caps lock key and type in the wrong password. We don't actually need a caps lock key since nobody programs in FORTAN any more.

DO 100 I = 1, 1000000 DELIVER ME FROM THIS CURSED CAPS LOCK IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON AND HOLY GHOST I COMPEL YOU! 100 CONTINUE

Mike: When we saw that the hurricane was going to hit Houston, we jumped in the car and headed for San Antonio. Fortunately God was with us.
Joey: God was with you? Was He afraid to stay in Houston?

" [Clearview is] the most sophisticated technology you will ever pee on."
From an ad for Clearblue pregnancy test.

The CIA Agents' Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I know my prayers aren't very deep
But if I die before I wake
I pray my encrypted files no one can break.

I just watched a show on Discovery Health about women who did not know they were pregnant until they went into labor. One woman had her baby in the toilet, and I am thinking: She has GOT to name him John!

Judas: (singing) On a hill far away/ stood an old rugged cross/ the emblem of suff ...
Jesus: (interrupting) Judas, would you SHUT UP! I hate it when you rub it in.

"She has biological fluid on her thighs."
From an episode of CSI Miami

Since I am uncircumcised, I am going to hell no matter what, and so I just don't worry about it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
What does kill you makes you much, much weaker.

Hey! I just discovered a great new device for cleaning the floor. It is called a broom, and, believe it or not, it is completely wireless! It doesn't work very well on carpet unfortunately.

"Honesty - total, conscious honesty - can get you into trouble. People don't really want you to be honest."
Dianna Narciso
Like Rolling Uphill
Page 20

Intelligent design, my ass! Where did the Creator get the idea for hemorrhoids?

I am so smart that if I get Alzheimer's Disease, it will only bring me down to average.

How do you spell dyslexia? L Y S D E X I A

I think it is unfair that some people have multiple personalities while I don't even have one.

My doctor says I need a hemorrhoid transplant, but he is having a problem finding a donor.

Biblical names are very popular. That is why I named my son Pontius Pilate.

I saw my doody and I did it (but not in that order).

People who do not like dogs are just not Christian.

I wish I were a fornicator.

I have got a really serious drug problem. I admit it. My pharmacy is constantly counting the pills wrong, forgetting to fill prescriptions I call in, closing early because the pharmacist quit, failing to open at all the next day. Is there a 12 step program that will help me with this drug problem?

The doctor says that if my PSA goes any higher, they will have to take my prostitute gland out.

A lot of things have gone downhill since the good old days. There is one bright spot however. There is a tremendous improvement in the pornography.

I read in the newspaper about a preacher (Yes, a preacher!) who died of autoerotic asphyxiation. Doesn't that just take your breath away?

A man's concept of house cleaning: If a room is unlikely to spread a fatal disease, then it is clean.

I hear Bin Laden is coming out with a new video. Frankly, I don't think it will sell. The man just has no talent.

My doctor wants to put me on some kind of whore moan treatments, but I told him I am a Methodist and we don't do that.

Blessed are the geeks. For they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are the young at heart. For they shall go dancing.

So you think "backup" is always a good thing. Have you ever had your sewer backup?

My kids do not run around with the wrong crowd. They are the wrong crowd.

Satan was a good person until his Father threw him out. That is when he started to go bad.

Are you tired of watching television? Get a Tivo. It will watch all your favorite shows for you, and you don't have to do it yourself anymore.

Live today as though it were the last day of your life: Take some narcotics, catheterize yourself and stay in bed all day.

I am completely mystified as to why the number of mothers who murder their children is so small.

Actually, laughter is not the best medicine. That is morphine. Laughter, however, has the advantage of being legal without a prescription, unless, of course, you say something politically incorrect (stay away from Polish people and light bulbs, for instance).

It's not lacking in meat, and that's what real women need.

You know a guy is rich and spoiled when he hires someone to do his hobby for him.

Son: Daddy, what did you do in the war?
Father: I got slapped by General Patton. Now shut up!

Satan never sleeps: He sneaks into all the pharmacies at night and refills the Xanax bottles!

No Dog Left Behind: Dog training is considered a success once you get the dog to pee more on the linoleum and less on the carpet.

Have you seen O.J.'s new cookbook entitled If I Baked It? It has a great recipe for soylent green.

I'm just using marijuana temporarily. I intend to work my way up to heroin later.

Hitler was a good person; he just made some mistakes in his life.

Stalin was a good person; he just got in with the wrong crowd.

Oh, those little baby flies are just SOOOOOOO cute!

Saddam Hussein was a good person; he just had some unresolved issues.

I don't hate you; I just hate your guts.

Judas Iscariot was a good person; he just owed his bookie 30 pieces of silver because he bet against Ben Hur in the chariot race.

Hi! I'm with the CIA and I'm trying to join up with you Al Quaeda guys. Could you tell me how to wear this head-rag thing?

O J Simpson was a good person; he just had some marital problems.

Coral snakes make great pets. See how he is just curled up in my lap? Would you like to rub his tummy?

Jeffry Dahmer was a good person; he just was putting meat on the table.

Our next contestant on the State Spelling Bee is Lisa. Lisa, spell "fellatio."

Fellatio: F-E-L... Uh. Could you use this word in a sentence, please?

Michael Jackson is a good person; he just would not be suitable as a first-grade teacher because he doesn't have a degree in Education.

I don't hate you; I just wish your mother had been sterile.

I'll have a geezer screwdriver please; Metamucile and vodka.

Your Mama's so fat

Jason! You've got the words wrong! Frosty does NOT have "..two balls made of coal."

Does "peeed" have two e's or three?

Virtue is its own punishment.

I've know for a long time that I'm the Antichrist. But they should have picked someone else because I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm not mad at you; I am just disappointed that you weren't run over by a big truck.

I wish I hadn't bought my wife's wedding ring from those damned elves. I didn't know it was a ring of power.

Depression is healthy. It keeps you from over-working yourself.

I'm not mad at you; I am just disappointed that you haven't gone to hell yet.

Death is just a chance to get some much-needed rest.

If the condom doesn't fit, then you must quit.

I just had hemorrhoid surgery. Would you like to see my stitches?

If you have ever prepared a Thanksgiving meal, then you know why people like to go to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Make Grandma do all that cooking. [People think this but don't say it.]

Jason! Give your little sister some of that crystal meth. Didn't I teach you to share?

Things are not going well for me. I think I need to start drinking.

I don't care if it is Christmas. I am NOT wearing gay apparel.

My psychiatrist says I'm schizophrenic and my girlfriend is just an hallucination. As if that wasn't bad enough she's started this crap about "I think we should start dating other people."

Hi offisher. Before you shtart in on me, jusht let me say that I'm the designated drunk driver for this vehicle.

My philosophy of life is simple: Never pee on a wall that has an electrical outlet.

I know life is just a test to determine whether you go to heaven or hell. But I'm failing because I always freeze up on tests.

I am glad all those dog walkers let their dogs shit on my lawn. Dog manure is an excellent fertilizer.

I am trying my best to eliminate pornography from the web. When I find a nude girl on the web, I download the file and use Photoshop to put clothes on her. What I can't figure out is how to upload this new image to the website. Could some one help me with this?

Richard Nixon was a good person. He just didn't expect some of his men to commit a third-rate burglary at the Watergate. He expected a first-rate burglary.

Franklin Roosevelt was a good person. He just didn't know that Social Security was a pyramid scheme. And even if he did, pyramid schemes were not illegal at that time.

George W Bush is a good person. He just didn't realize that from Texas, Iraq is a LOTS further away than Oklahoma.

Bill Clinton is a good person. He just thought he could have his 72 virgins without making himself a martyr.

Jimmy Carter is a good person. That's why he was so totally unsuitable to be President.

John Wilkes Boothe was a good person; he just went postal because he didn't get a part in the play.

Toad milk is good for your skin. Drink a small glass of toad milk every day and your skin will be smooth and silky.

I always make my spaghetti sauce with fresh garden herbs and psylocibin mushrooms.

Just because I can watch TV without turning it on doesn't mean I'm schizophrenic.

If you play a Beatles song backward, you hear Satan singing "You light up my life ... ".

If you play a rap "song" backward, it sounds exactly the same.

How come you never see a rock band with an oboe?

How come our national anthem is a waltz?

I bought the new CD by the Boston Dog-whistle Quartet and it seems to be completely blank.

Sorry. Nevermind. My girlfriend says she can hear it.

Look both ways before falling down drunk in the street.

Someone who has difficulty adjusting to the digital world is said to be analog retentive.

"911 operator!"

"Thank God! Hold a minute. Push! Come on push! That's it. Push harder. Breathe. Huhhhh, huhhhh, huhhhh. Breathe ..."

"This is the 911 operator. Is someone having a baby?"

"No. It's my husband. He's constipated again."

I don't want the folks at 911 worrying about me, and so I call them every day to tell them I'm OK.

I have two serious eating disorders, anorexia and gluttony. However, my doctor says not to worry since they more or less cancel each other out.

Trivial pursuit question: What is the theme song to "Brokeback Mountain"?
Answer: "Homo on the Range".

My Viagra prescription says: 1 TAB PO BIYR PRN.
This means: Take one tablet by mouth twice a year only as needed.

When I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine Day, she said, "A priaprism would be nice." I don't know what that is, but I am sure if I search Amazon.com I'll find one.

I know I am a woman trapped in a man's body. But nobody notices since I am a lesbian.

I admit that I am a heathen, but I seldom ever rage.

My friend's enema is my enema.

MEN COOKING

Joey: This is going to be some great stew, but we've got too much stuff for this pan. Do you have a larger pan?
Mike: Yeah, but it needs washing. Just throw away some of those potatoes and a few tomatoes and it will fit in that pan.

MEN COOKING

Wife: Honey, did you wash that pan before you started cooking the hamburgers?
Husband: No. I mean ... Roach shit won't stick to teflon. Right?

I was sad that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. Man, was that ever a lucky break. Now I'm happy because he gave me all his shoes.

I was sad that I had no feet until I met a man who had no shoes. Man, I just hadn't realized how much money I was saving on shoes.

We also serve who only stand around in the way.

My favorite Beatles' song is that one about Mitchell and Mable.